Living on an nortorious estate was a grim reality for me. It takes a lot of energy to survive there. A lot of blood, sweat and multiply tears. For years i dreamt of getting out, i didnt care how much my mother would fuss and shout. There was only one way out. Death or jail, or you end up with F for fail. The amounts of time i visited friends in jail, refused bail, our new method of communication was mail. A letter for HMP addressed to me, i felt so happy. I write my heart back with love in each sentence which i felt i was riding. Every visit i would leave and dream about it, the way our eyes met my heart pounding form my chest, i believed we was the very best. It was all like a flash on a camera roll, the way we stole each other from our broken homes, broken heads into each others beds. We was a mess but we did not stress. Every moment was blessed. Deep down we knew it was a big mess. But at the time we couldnt care less. I was the broken one, we couldnt save ourselves yet alone each other. I knew i soon be a mother and no longer your lover. As a mother you kept me undercover i no longer felt like your lover. I knew you had another and another. The love quickly turned bitter but i was no quitter. The breakup hurt me to the point of death. I didnt know i could fall in love when i wanted to stand. I wanted only you as my man. The drives to see you, the love letters, the songs,the sexy black thongs, it was all wrong but good that God made me move on.
I knew i could do better which i put in the 12 page love letter. But i liked too try and fix people which helped me take my mind of fixing me. I wanted to fix you. I was a lost girl,in a lost world, a broken soul. I would never get back what i put in. I was empty to begin.